So, just for a change I am not being a sookie la la, and have something GOOD to report.

My finances are no longer so terrible!

The departure (at last) of the ex fella cost me a lot. Not in out of pocket, but in $$$ and effort contributed, with ZERO return. Sigh. I really should have known better, but it’s OK, I’ll survive. Been there and done that before, and whilst I may not have a business or assets to my name upon his exit, I’ve moved up a step because this one didnt leave me with crippling debt like my boy’s dad did. Walking away at zero is better than being at minus. Yes, I know, both are terrible and unacceptable but I’m going to look at it as a step in the right direction, because otherwise I will curl into the foetal position and sob, rocking myself back and forth thinking of the value of dollars lost.

Anyhoo…… the good news was that my finances are no longer so terrible!

Last week I made the final payment on the final debt left by my boy’s dad. Its been over 11 years since I last saw the man, but his debts are now paid. This might not seem like a big deal, but it is a huge milestone for me, and is closing the book on an extremely destructive chapter.

For more than 6 months now I have not been late on a single bill. All single mums will tell you there are times when there is no choice but to rob the electricity bill or the rent to pay for something else, and pay the bill late.

My car is fully insured and registered.

Xmas is fully paid, as is my boys’ bday, and he has all his back to school requirements bought too. None of it went on the credit card. Not one cent.

I have a new enormous fridge, more than twice the size of my last one, and a ginormous plasma TV and new cabinet for it to sit on. (All the better to see you with, my dear)

AND the boy and I took my parents with us on a vacation for his birthday. Only 3 days 2 nights, but I havent had a holiday since 1994, and that was only 4 days.

So all in all, things are looking REALLY good on the $$$ front. I took 3 weeks leave over xmas/nye and dont go back till 16.01.12, and still have cash left for taking the boy on outings before I go back to work, and all my bills are paid up to mid February.

I have plans to service my car next month, get 4 new tyres and do some small repairs. Its only new (well, 2nd hand new but new to me) and a huge upgrade from my last beast. I’m even thinking about another weekend away in March…..

I’m starting to feel like a grown up at last!

So basically this blog (indeed the entire domain) has been lying dormant for 18mths. Eighteen months! And not from a lack of things I’ve wanted to say, but rather from too much things to say and no time to say them in. So. Freaking. Busy.

And not really much to show for it all either, at least – not on the outside.

I’m quite sure there is nobody reading this blog atm. A couple of you prolly still have me in your readers and will get a surprise to see me pop back up, and to you I say THANKYOU.

This blog has always been simply me spouting my crap, putting some internal dialogue down on paper (you know what I mean) and whilst I greatly value the different perspectives, advice and commentary given my my commenters, I would write the same rubbish regardless. It’s cathartic. And provides clarity. Sometimes it even sends me in directions I never considered. Its as if, by writing, I’m having a conversation with myself, and half-thoughts are somehow released into full-thoughts.

I have issues. I have faults and flaws. And I am working hard towards fixing them, or at the very least minimising their negative impact on my life and the lives of those around me. I am a work in progress, and god knows I’m much more a lump of raw clay than  a nearly completed sculpture requiring finishing touches.

My last post was in reference to certain people who were a small part of my life, who were (and still in some ways are) trying to exert undue influence in my world.  I’m happy to say I am over that now.

At the time I was in a bad, no-win situation. Things happened that were beyond my control, and assumptions were made that were incorrect. I had written a post on a previous blog and forward-dated it, and had been moving the publish date forward until it was relevant to “go live”. A “kill-switch”if you will. Life intervened and i was unable to re-set the date, and it was prematurely published. By the time I discovered what had happened, there was no way to resolve the situation with a good outcome for all, so I let sleeping dogs lie, thinking at the time (indeed after MUCH thinking) that it would be the least-bad outcome, and certainly the one with the least impact for all concerned. For some, this was apparently the wrong decision.

To anyone who I hurt, I apologise. It was not intended, in fact I tried to stop that from happening. I am not a liar, nor a heartless bitch, nor a con artist. These are the facts, and your decision to believe or disbelieve them do not change that. To those who responded to my actions with vitriol and accusations, I am uninterested in anything you have to say. If what you choose to term our “important relationship” was actually important, then I would think that contacting me for an explanation would be the correct action, not flaming me across the internet. As for those who flamed me for my accidental deceit whilst engaging in deliberate and premeditated deceptions of their own, well, glass houses and all that, and I don’t for one moment apologise to you. This chapter is now closed.

Anyhoo, I do have a point to all this. Bear with me a little bit?

A while (a long while now) ago, I wrote about a lie that I told the ex fella that he raked me over hot coals for, all the while engaging in a far worse deception of his own. My lie was the extent of my nett worth. Which to be honest, I dont think I will EVER be honest about – after failed relationships with both the ex fella and my son’s father, I’m not sure I could ever 100% trust a man again. His lie was that he had 4 kids instead of none, and was still legally married instead of never being married, and was still living with her and the kids instead of his aunt as he led me to believe.

And before you call me a homewreaker I had the wife confirm to me personally that they were not together and had no possibility of reconciliation. Ok, so I am clearly an idiot instead of a home-wreaker, as I continued the relationship after such a lie. But in defense, this was a 1 night stand that turned into an 8 year relationship, and at the beginning there was no need for truth. At some point though this changed, and yet his deception was never confessed to. In fact, after months of abuse about my lie, I stumbled across the existance of his kids, and caught him out.

This was a really big deal to me. Not just the lie he told, and the extent to which it changed things between us, but the fact that he punished me severely for such a long time for something that was nowhere near as bad as what he himself was doing.

Maybe I’m still as mature as a 3 year year old, but that really bothered me, and bothers me still. Which is what these blog-land friends did to me. I cried over their hurtful comments, and all the while they were behaving worse. It’s the hypocrisy I suppose. The same hypocrisy that has finally worn me down & had me take a back seat on the CCSVI for Multiple Sclerosis front. The same hypocrisy that had me change jobs early last year, amid another flood of tears.

I wonder sometimes if this massive anger and hurt I feel at hypocrisy is normal. Yes, I know its not something anybody enjoys, but I seem to have a disproportionate level of passion in my emotional reactions to hypocrisy. And I dont know why.

Is it because in my shitty childhood, despite how awful things were at home, we were always made to put on a show of unity and happiness outside the immediate household, which prevented the serious issues within from being dealt with?

Is it because after being gang raped by the son/son’s friends of the family friend who rescued me I was again made to put on a happy face lest it happen again, or worse, that I got sent home with added shame and blame?

Am I somehow emotionally stunted at that point in time where everything pivoted in my life? Am I forever stuck at being 12-13 years old?

I find that many of the other things I do badly – my crapness at handling money (I’m an accountant and damned good at business and other people’s finances but my own $$$ is a pile of poo), my inability to hold female friendships (all of mine disappeared at the same point in my life and I continue to struggle relating to women to this day), my spectacular relationship failures (I am manipulated, treated badly, clingy and constantly trying to please but cant let go even when I know I should) and even my tendency to do things for the short-term gain ignoring the easily forseeable damage to my long-term prospects – are all traits that belong to a 13 year old girl.

Was my emotional growth stunted permanently at the age of 13? And if so, how does a 31 year old learn to grow up?

Hmmm, I’m certainly as whingy and self obsessed as a 13 year old…….

There is a subject which has again raised itself in blog land. It is a huge drama, and seems to have captivated far more people than one would ever have expected. Especially in blog circles I used to run with. It is a subject that is extremely close to home (in fact I play a central character) and one which i have very strong feelings about, and consumed much of my life for a significant amount of time. Its a chapter that is still not fully closed, or fully resolved within myself, and clearly not at all resolved for many others.

It has been suggested from multiple sources that I should “come out of the closet” and set the story straight. (Although admittedly some are saying to let sleeping dogs lie).  For whilst I definately fucked up, I also did not do even HALF the things im accused of. Which doesnt sit well with me at all. For numerous reasons. Partly, I have always been completely honest on my blogs, brutally so at times, and never been shy about standing up for what I believe, and have defended my controversial opinions, because thats how I REALLY think – political correctness or not. While I dont mind being flogged for my fuckups, i DO mind being falsely accused. Its funny, I would rather be flayed publicly for being an actual idiot than for being perceived as one.Truth is important to me.

But therein lies the rub.

I’m being accused of being a liar. And its about something really important, close to my heart, and a big part of me. Its something I’m quite emotional and even fragile about. And I dont know if I want to sign up for the stick and stones.

I want to set the record straight. For myself, and for others who would like to know the facts. But my feelings and opinions on their motives are suspect, and I’m not entirely convinced they deserve it. I’m also not sure I would be believed. It feels like a no-win situation, and I am loathe to invite that back into my life.

Then again, it seems to keep butting its way back in uninvited, so maybe that’s “a sign”?

Either way, my life is vastly different now (the fella is gone for good, too) and while a number of things from my past have resurfaced, only those with a “good” end result have been allowed entry.

Sigh.

I’m just not sure what to do.It feels so unfinished, but at the same time I’m not sure I’m prepared for how it will end. What say you? Is anyone even reading this anymore?

So the fella and I are finally over for real. The stupid fuck tried to play one final hand, went all in, and lost.

I don’t even know what to write. I want to write about it – blogging is so cathartic. But I am so ashamed of myself, and embarrassed, that even with the anonymity of blogging behind a picture of a monkey, I still am having trouble trying to be complately honest about it.

I dont want to lie. I started this blog as being a way to open up about some of the deeper parts of me. A way to admit my faults and flaws, and to discuss them and work through them with others, something I am not sure I would be able to do face to face. I would be simply too self concious.

Everyone lies, though. And for so many reasons. The lies I am tempted to tell here and ones which gloss over my faults and flaws, and make me look better than I really am. They are aimed at exhonerating myself for the part I play in my own failures and downfalls. I know that these lies are human nature. That does not excuse them though and I know that also. The point, for now at least, is that those lies would be counter-productive here.

Basically, the demise came about because  Abby is such a liar. Abby is the fella, the dickhead, the inadequate boyfriend, whatever you want to call him really. He has a name here now because his anonymity is no longer my concern, and besides – its hardly identifying him is it? And because its a pain in my arse to call him anything other than his name.

I will elaborate, but the basics are this:

Previously, I discovered Abby was married, and had children. Granted, Abby & I started out as a one night stand, but clearly we had progressed past that point, and had been in a committed and long term relationship before I discovered this fact. At the time, he told me that they were divorced. I threw what can only be described as a major tantrum, and basically demanded proof I was not a mistress. Abby is a very private person, his family are very religious and our relationship would not have been viewed favourably by his family, as we were together yet unmarried. However, due to his love for me and desire to be together, he actually had his wife tell me herself that they were divorced, not together, and that she was fine with our relationship. Considering I had the wife’s blessing, we worked through it and stayed together, although I admit to always being less than comfortable with the fact that he had not admitted that he had a family, but I had caught him out instead. Compounding this was that I had been untruthful with him at the beginning, and not admitted it either, and he had caught me out. Difference to me being that I had admitted it when questioned, just not had the balls to sit him down and bring up the subject and set him straight off my own bat. However, he had absolutely vilified me for being less than truthful with him, and done so with vigour and for about a year at that point. There was his perfect chance to admit to me that he had been less than honest when we were simply a “quick fuck” and not just that, but he dragged me over the coals for doing what he himself was guilty of. And his transgression was WAY worse than mine.

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered this “divorce” was only a MUSLIM divorce, before Allah. Legally, in Australia he was still married.

Now we come to Monday, some 2+ years  after the endorsement from his wife. We had both been busy, and not spoken much the week before. We spoke that afternoon, and he told me that he was sorting his life out – his health, his work….. and his divorce. We spoke a little about how things would be better for him, for me, for us. The conversation ended with him saying something about “wont you be happy then babe? your man will be free and clear, and all ours. isnt that what you’ve always wanted?” I took that to mean things for us were finally going to move into the REALLY serious relationship area. Also in that call I mentioned I had been receiving calls on my mobile from a private number that kept hanging up when I answered or not leaving a message. In fact thats where the call began, because I thought as we hadnt spoken much, that perhaps it was him trying to call me the past couple of days – his phone has been playing up for a while now, and he sometimes hides the number when calling clients who owe him money. Turns out his daughter had seen an explicit text of mine that he had stored in his phone. He thought it was her calling me.

A couple of hours later his wife rings. From a private number. Asks me what the fuck is going on. Seems they have gotten back together, and she is demanding to know if I have had sex with her husband.

FUCK.

What else could I do? I apologised, told her the truth. That as far as I knew they were not together, that she had even told me so a long time ago. She wanted to know if we were sleeping together. As someone who knows the pain of being cheated on, and the way that suspecting it can eat you up, I told her the truth. Yes, I was having sex with her husband. How long? 6 years.

Turns out Abby was asleep on the lounge at her house when she called. And woke up. I then sat there and listened to the performance of a lifetime. There was my man, who I loved and supported through so much crap, DENYING me. He denied he loved me. Denied we were more than just friends. Denied he ever touched me. It hurt so bad. It was such a shock, a total slap to the face, I was literally stunned. His wife asked over and over who was telling the truth. With him screaming at me in the background “why are you doing this to me?” over and over, I couldnt help myself. I didnt even realise until I’d said it what I had done. I told her “I have photos to prove it. I’m not a liar.”

To be continued. When I can stand to write more. Right now its Thursday – less than 72hrs from the start of this drama, and I still feel physically ill just tinking about this stuff. I’ll be back soon though, because I need to let this go.

EDIT: Those looking for information on CCSVI – Chronic Cerebro Spinal Venous Insufficiency – and in particular as it is available in Australia should visit http://www.facebook.com/CCSVIAUSTRALIA

The heading says it all.

Old readers will know my fella has Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and that recently there has been a fucking awesome breakthrough in the discovery of something called CCSVI. Whilst not a cure, or even a definitive cause, this simple little condition is easily treated, and has provided hundreds of MS patients with real relief from their symptoms in just the short time we have known about it (about a year).

I wont bore you to death about it – but basically its a blockage of the veins in your neck which prevents the flow of blood from draining from your brain, and is theorised to be an initiating factor in the disease. This blockage can be remedied with a simple balloon angioplasty similar to those used in patients who have had or are at risk of heart attacks or strokes. It takes 45 minutes, is free under medicare, and is the first real hope 20,000 Australians have ever had to help with their MS.

You and I can get it done anywhere, anytime, and with ease. Luckily my fella got his done a few months ago (and is in the best shape ove EVER seen him in) because thanks to efforts made by myself and other fantastic people with MS and their families, CCSVI has been available to Aussie MSers. Unfortunately, overseas many countries are blocking this treatment from patients. We were thankful that our efforts had directly changed the course of doctors, researchers and MS Societies in Australia, who have proudly been leading the way in this remarkable new hope over countries like Canda, the UK and America. Thats right, once again, little ole Australia was leading the way over these giants and championing the little fella – giving some of the REAL “Aussie Battlers” a fair crack.

Well folks, not any more.

I hold my tongue (although many would be forgivven for thinking I dont) on other sites because there – because I administer the site – I am viewed with a certain amount of clout and leadership. I wouldn’t want to lead anyone astray, or say something offensive, or pass a comment that could do more harm than good.

HERE though, is my personal, anonymous blog (although getting less anonymous by the minute it seems) and I will say whateverthefuckIwant as per usual.

So I have 3 things that I need to say.

1. To MS Research Australia we raised $70,000 for CCSVI. Us – a tiny mob of patients, friends and family, not a giant government backed charity. You have an annual budget this year for research of over $2.7million and yet you allocate only $35,000 to your study that you so graciously deign to provide for us? Which by the outline itself accomplishes nothing and is geared for failure? You are duplicating numerous other COMPLETED international studies of far greater volume and merit, taking at least another year to complete it, and in the mean time not actually TREATING a single person? Shame on you.

2. To the so-called “ETHICS COMMITTE” who made Prof T – for a long time the only man in this country willing to help us, and not just help but treat us and fight for us – you made him jump through hoop after hoop, rewriting his submission for his study over and over, each time with more and more ridiculous stipulations than the last (how exactly DO you do a double blind study of surgical procedures?????)  You made the patients volunteering subject themselves to unnecessary risks in what is an extremely low risk procedure, all so you could fucking reject it?  And now not only will you not allow him to treat any more patients, but the patients this man has already helped are being denied essential follow-up care? Where the FUCK is the ethics in that?

3. To the media who refuse to give us the time of day, shame on you too. If Lara Bingle fucks another sportstar I’m sure you’ll be all over that.  Channel 7′s SUNDAY NIGHT programme filmed a huge segment months ago, and yet our timeslot has been pushed back over and over while they “tweak” the story becuase of new developments (and then for Dancing With The Stars’ season ffs). Well uess what guys – heres another “development” so… CAB WE HAVE OUR FUCKING AIRTIME NOW PLEASE?????

Actually theres a fourth point

4.

I’m fucking angry. We’re ALL fucking angry. You all asked us to be patient, to trust you, to stop causing such a scene and let you look after us, protect us……. you said you were on our side, and if we would just wait a little more (even though MS is a debilitating disease where every day sees you a little worse than the one before, a little more irreperable damage done) and we did that. We trusted you. We waited. We were quiet, and hopefull….

Well, no more. You thought we made a scene before? You aint fucking seen NOTHING yet. Strap yourselves in, because now we’re bigger than ever, more outraged than ever, more prepared and knowing than ever, and with nothing left to lose.

You’re all a bunch of giant cock suckers, and you can SUCK MY DICK!

I keep trying to post. Yet everytime I do, I cant seem to get my point across.

I read the post back to myself, and bin it as it just doesnt make sense.

I’ve tried so many subjects. None of them work. There’s a lot I want to say, but my point keeps getting lost.

I’m lost.

I can’t focus on anything lately. Not pointless drivel, not life altering events, not anything in between.

What is wrong with me?

No, its not Slim Shady, its me.

I lay in bed last night mulling over a few things, one of which being this blog. I always said when I first returned to blogging, that this time I would blog when the mojo struck, and not feel pressured into being a performing monkey. I’ve certainly lived up to that!

There is sooooo much that has been, and still is, going on in my life. A lot of it I want to blog about. There are a fair few posts sitting in the “draft” folder of my brain. I want to go back to some of the more personal stuff I was posting about, because it led to a lot of things that are psycho-babble bullshit – phrases like “breakthrough” and “personal growth”. Unfortunately as Oprah as all that sounds, and as bullshit as it feels….. its also kinda true. I’ve grown a lot in the last few months, and I’m ready to go back into some stuff and hash it out. Who knows, maybe I will grow up aa bit more yet?

There is something going on in blogland though that is causing me to wait. I probably should have waited before even posting this, but there are 3 people in particular I was hoping still read this, and I’m hoping this post will alert them that I am back. I want to write about how this has affected me, because that is a positive thing to come out of the turmoil. Most of you will not know what I’m on about as I dont keep in contact with that circle much anymore (except for people who are real friends) and no I’m not trolling it out for shits’n'giggles.

Suffice to say that this is all I will say about IT out of common decency, but there are some aspects about the effect on me that I will be talking about.

So yeah, I’m back. And waving to whoever hasnt deleted me from their feed readers yet.

*waves*

When you are down, they will kick you.

When you do something awesome, they will at best say “that’s nice dear” and at worst, will sit there sending you malicious messages telling you “your doin it wrong” when they themselves do nothing.

When you do something at significant cost that benefits them, yet has no benefit whatsoever to yourself, they will not appreciate it, nor the sacrifices you made.

When faced with the opportunity to apologise, they will turn their backs.

When given the opportunity to come clean on a lie, will simply lie more.

When asked to repay the vast tab they have run up in receiving support, will suddenly declare bankruptcy.

When asked to keep their mouth shut, will blab to all and sundry.

When given the opportunity to bitch or praise, will always choose to bitch, often with gratuitous moaning and poor-me-ing and occasionally gloating thrown in for free.

When asked to volunteer, will remain silent.

When not given what they want immediately they decide it should be given, will hound you unmercifully, regardless of what else you may be doing at that moment.

Will find something wrong with every single thing you do, if you let them.

To those messaging me with their bullshit, I no longer have time in my  life to even bother reading/listening to your issues with me. If you do not like what I am doing, do better yourself. If you do not wish to repay what I give you, do not take it to start with. If you want to judge me, go right ahead. Just remember that others will judge you too. So do not complain when they do.

I am not perfect, no. Far from it. I make mistakes. I say and do things I later regret. But I am a good person, with a big heart, and the balls to back it up with both words AND actions. I do things because they are what I believe to be the right thing to do, even when that doesnt benefit me. I dont need a tickertape parade down main street. I dont need you to fall at my feet and kiss me. Would I like to hear “thank you” or “I’m proud of you” occassionally? Yes, sometimes I would, I wont deny it.

But what I do need is for you to stop telling me to do more. Do better. Work harder.

There is so, so, SO much you do not know about me, my life, my circumstances, or even what is being done in the backgroud that promises were made not to speak about until an appropriate time. If you knew, you would be quiet.

{ REDACTED }

This is mostly about the people who are a part of every facet of my life, who each, in their own little way, bring me down. Who keep me awake at 12.52am when I have had less than 6 hours sleep in total for the past 3 days.

This post is dedicated to those who choose nastiness over kindness, when either choice is of no consequence to them, is no harder to give than the other, yet makes a difference to the person on the receiving end. If you wondered, even for a second, if this post may be about you, then it probably was.

You simply run out of steam?

You run out of jokes?

You run out of reasons to bother?

You run out of the will to keep going?

You run out of energy?

You run out of love?

You lose the will to get up out of bed anymore?

What happens when you finally admit you just cant keep going?

I no longer know how I am going to get through tomorrow.

This is the first time I have ever thought I couldn’t do something.

Its AWESOME. It really is.

The next big thing at the moment is the push to delete your Facebook account. Now while I absolutely “get” the reasons for this, and have considered it, I really CANT give up on it right now. For all the bad points about it (of which yes, there are many) those of you who have me added will know why I think the good ones outweigh them right now.

I have been (amongst ALOT else) annoying the living crap out of every person on my friends list lately with post after post about MS – Multiple Sclerosis, and the new chance for patients – CCSVI. My profile image is the slogan for this World MS Day (May 26th for those playing at home). Behind the scenes many of us have been working hard, and on Facebook the plans for the June 6th MS Walk in Melbourne and Sydney have been played out somewhat publicly.

Clearly more publicly than we thought. Tonight we were contacted by the chairman of MS Australia (NSW/VIC/ACT). Turns out we have been being watched. Big time. And taken seriously. The planned…. hijacking of these events by us is no longer necessary. We now have an invitation. Thats right….

A FUCKING INVITATION!!!

The end result is that we will have a tent at the walk, and all money raised by us will go specifically to CCSVI research ONLY (not admin or any other avenues) and that for any money raised over and above the $750,000 target for the event, 50c of every dollar will ALSO go to us!

CCSVI will getthe funding and the research it needs, and will be available to Australian patients. And I have to thank Facebook for providing such simple access to so many other people – without that it would have been so much harder.

Fight the good fight people. One person can make a difference. Normal people really can change the mind of those in control.

And MS Australia, I hope you remember this for a long time to come. You work for US – the patients and their families. You are there to support us, help us,  and lead the way in finding new possibilities for the cure. Don’t forget we also want access to things which arent’t the cure, but provide relief. YOU should have been leading this push – not us.